Reflections

For years, I've cringed at the word "reflection." No, maybe cringe isn't the right word. Maybe's it's more accurate to say I've rolled my eyes and silently moaned upon hearing the word "reflection." For starters, when I was in Junior High, our Sunday night youth group meetings were called "Reflections."

"The youth have Reflections tonight; they'll be done around 7:30."
"There won't be any Reflections next week due to the summer holiday."

Reflections? Really? Each time I heard an adult refer to Youth Group as "Reflections," I pictured one of those church bible study books from the 1970s, with long, straight-haired girls and handsome boys in bellbottoms. I don't think we even did much reflecting at those meetings. We read the Bible and drank Kroger-brand soda on the crusty couches that actually were from the 70s.

What gave me the most hatred from the word "reflection" was its overuse in my college Education courses. As a freshman in Intro to Education, I remember panicking when asked to write a reflection on an article I had read. Reflection? What is that? Obviously it's more than a summary if I'm supposed to reflect on it, but if I reflect on how it affected me personally, isn't that breaking so many rules of academic writing?

We were never really told what reflections were supposed to be, or what they were supposed to look like. As with many assignments from my professor, I took a guess and crossed my fingers that it was what she was looking for. When I was a Junior, she gave us a reflection formula: summary, new learning, classroom application. Good to know. My old computer probably has over 100 reflections saved on it, easily. It got to the point where I could write those things with my eyes closed; however, no matter how familiar they became, I still dreaded them. During my internship, I was supposed to email my professor a page-long reflection in response to my week at school. For every test I made, I was to write a corresponding reflection. 10-lesson assignment? Reflection on each one. Attending a professional meeting? Reflection. Wrote a paper? Reflect. Read an article? Reflect. Worked your butt off promoting October as the Month of the Young Adolescent all around campus? That'll require 5-pages worth of reflecting. I remember the day I submitted my final unit, and my final weekly reflection. I remember thinking, I will never have to write a reflection again!

Then, I took a teaching job. In October, two months into treading water to stay alive and not ditch my career for a minimum wage job at Taco Bell, I received a large envelope in my school mailbox. I opened it to find a scholarly journal and a memo from my principal:

"Georgia:
Here is the article for your October-November Reflection. Please turn in a 3-page response before the end of next month."

Really? You're serious? Oh, that's right. Reflection is a vital part of Education. Teachers should always practice consistent reflection of what is working and isn't working in their classrooms, what they should change for next time, what they should leave the same, what lessons they are learning from their students, and how they are growing as a professional.

I ripped up the paper, threw the magazine in the recycling bin, and stormed out of the lounge! Ok, not really. I tucked the magazine into my bag, looked at it for two months, and eventually wrote a very impressive paper about alternative assessment. But in my mind, I did all of those awful things, and it made me feel a little better.

The final reason I don't care for the word "reflection" is because 8th graders cannot grasp its meaning. I didn't think the concept of reflection was that hard. I still don't. But every time I tried to break down that word, little by little, examples and all, my 8th graders looked at me like I was trying to teach them advanced calculus. Maybe it's because reflection requires you to have a past to look back on. Perhaps it's because it requires critical thinking, or thinking in general. Which is probably why I avoided it all year.

Living it once was enough; I didn't want to play my days over again in my head. Even more than that, at the end of the day, I didn't want to use my brain any more than I already had that day. Therefore, my first year of teaching, I broke one of the biggest teacher rules: I didn't reflect. I didn't try to find the little spark of light or humor amongst the pile of rubbish. Rarely did I look for the little victories in what felt like a continuous losing streak. It wasn't a complete nightmare of a year, especially once spring rolled around, but what I regret most is not recording my experiences, good and bad.

Today, I planned to go up to the school and start getting my new classroom ready. However, when I saw caution tape over the hallway, I took it as a good excuse to NOT prepare for school just yet. Instead I found myself sitting on my couch for a few hours simply thinking about my life. That sounds like long time to sit a do nothing, but it had been so long since I had simply stopped to think about where life has taken me in the past 12 months. In the past few months, God has seemed to drop one blessing after another in my lap. I went from a season of confusion and dissatisfaction to one of answers, confidence, and a sense of purpose. I love how it seems that the times when we are stagnant are usually the times when God is moving the most. I've recognized God's work and blessings in my life lately, but I hadn't really reflected on them until today, alone, on my couch. What was this year about? What did I learn?  How did these experiences shape me into who I am, and who I'm becoming?

And for the first time, I am recognizing the significance of and need for reflection.

Reflection: conscious and analytical thought by an individual about what he or she is doing and how the action affects his or her life, as well as the lives of others.